Fear and resistance.

Okay, along with this whole idea about being an adult and taking my life into my own hands and doing what I want to do comes the inevitable feeling/knowledge/fear, what have you, that you (meaning I) just can't do it! Ahahahahhhh! I am pushing myself to open up and meet new people and not be afraid to be my own confident self. This is all well and good when there is nothing on the line and I am not too concerned with the outcome of my particular actions. When I want things to go a certain way, or when I hope for the best, I am weighed down by the fear of the absolute worst. So much so that I will take no action at all and dissolve the idea all together. My own self-diagnosis is that I secretly and sub-consciously do not want to leave my comfort zone as being identified as the independent single girl who can totally rely on herself and needs no one. I believe that some of that is true but when I go to bed at night in my quiet little apartment, just for a moment, I feel totally alone. Some nights this is a good thing, but more often than not, I wish I had someone there with me. Especially when I make hilarious comments about something unbelievable on TV. Someone else needs to laugh, and I need to not feel like I am talking to myself.  

In the immortal words of my dear friend Brooke Barrett: "What are you going to do about it?"

Well, this all goes back to my original point. There is something I want to do about it, and it means putting myself out there and taking a couple of risks with my heart. But as I sit here, attempting to compose a casual email inviting an interesting young man on a date (which is another story all together, that you may never know) my confidence gets completely shot. The frightening phrase 'What if...' pops into my head. Then everything I write sounds scripted and redundant. Each word and sentence, as simple and clear as I can make them, starts to sound cheesy and potentially offensive even though every shred of common sense I have tells me that it isn't. It is exhausting! 

It is my struggle to maintain my confidence during these moments of weakness and remember that I cannot be afraid to be myself. That is the whole plan, right!?