Handling Rejection

So, there are a number of ways one can handle rejection. Wallow in it, get over it, learn from it or my personal favorite, pretend it didn't even happen and continue as planned.

Let face it, I am breaking into the world of dating with a vengeance. It has been so many years since I have attempted to date, and date good guys, who go to church and have callings and hold the priesthood and all that good stuff. 

I see someone I think is interesting, and by God, I am going to do something about it! My first attempt was full of anxiety and nervousness. This was strange for me because boys do not make me nervous, but good Mormon boys do. I know how to seduce and flirt with not good boys, that's easy. However, I am discovering that it takes a certain finesse to break into the mold of 'potential girlfriend' for a good guy. Especially in a culture that is so wrapped up in getting married and getting married now! 

I don't want to get married right now, I want to meet someone that I can stand to be around who can stand to be around me, then maybe we can date for a little bit and hold hands, then maybe we can be each others significant other and kiss a little. Then one day we can decide to get married if we feel like that would work out, but not until then.

Deciding that I might like someone is kind of a big deal, I am pretty much used to feeling numb and indifferent to every guy I meet. Something was a little different with this one. So I asked him out. Long story short, three informative dates later, I still like the guy, but have no idea if he thinks I am more interesting than a lump of dirt. Apparently he doesn't. Here I am, in the friend zone. Too bad, coz I am amazing. Alas, I have been rejected.

I decide to get over it and move on. The next day I learn from it, my girl squad comes over and talks me down, 'His loss' they say, 'there is someone else out there for you' they say. I feel better, its not a big deal, they are all so proud of me for even having the balls to ask someone I barely know out. I'm feeling good about the whole situation. Then the next day I decide to wallow in it, nothing that a couple of cupcakes, a box of oreo's, a half gallon of milk and some Jane Austin can't cure. Wow, I never felt like such a stereotype in my whole life. I wake up this morning with a stomach ache and a new outlook on life. Rejection, what rejection? No one rejects me, especially someone who barely knows me. Besides, I got a phone number yesterday, and it is quite possible that another pursuit may begin and end in this exact same manner. But so what? The plan will continue, unabated. 

Fear and resistance.

Okay, along with this whole idea about being an adult and taking my life into my own hands and doing what I want to do comes the inevitable feeling/knowledge/fear, what have you, that you (meaning I) just can't do it! Ahahahahhhh! I am pushing myself to open up and meet new people and not be afraid to be my own confident self. This is all well and good when there is nothing on the line and I am not too concerned with the outcome of my particular actions. When I want things to go a certain way, or when I hope for the best, I am weighed down by the fear of the absolute worst. So much so that I will take no action at all and dissolve the idea all together. My own self-diagnosis is that I secretly and sub-consciously do not want to leave my comfort zone as being identified as the independent single girl who can totally rely on herself and needs no one. I believe that some of that is true but when I go to bed at night in my quiet little apartment, just for a moment, I feel totally alone. Some nights this is a good thing, but more often than not, I wish I had someone there with me. Especially when I make hilarious comments about something unbelievable on TV. Someone else needs to laugh, and I need to not feel like I am talking to myself.  

In the immortal words of my dear friend Brooke Barrett: "What are you going to do about it?"

Well, this all goes back to my original point. There is something I want to do about it, and it means putting myself out there and taking a couple of risks with my heart. But as I sit here, attempting to compose a casual email inviting an interesting young man on a date (which is another story all together, that you may never know) my confidence gets completely shot. The frightening phrase 'What if...' pops into my head. Then everything I write sounds scripted and redundant. Each word and sentence, as simple and clear as I can make them, starts to sound cheesy and potentially offensive even though every shred of common sense I have tells me that it isn't. It is exhausting! 

It is my struggle to maintain my confidence during these moments of weakness and remember that I cannot be afraid to be myself. That is the whole plan, right!?